Death Has Arrived

My worthless life...

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 05:53:03 GMT

I hate myself so much right now. Nothing in my life is going good. I'm getting more depressed every night, and nothing is helping me. I'm going to be alone for the holidays and honestly I'm thinking about running away and living with some of my friends for a while. Everything in my life is going wrong, I mean my Christmas is ruined becuase I'm a fucking idoit and can't do a thing right in my life. I'm surprised I'm still living so I must be doing something right. I hate the way I feel when I'm alone, I'm even scared to be alone. I don't trust myself anymore. I put myself down so much, I take in so much shit and let it build in me. I have many different and scary dreams and thoughts while I think and sleep. I mean my mom is totally against me with my whole college major, I mean I don't want to do fucking business or mechanic. But my mom keeps saying you should do this becuase you could run your own store like steph you could even run your own company. I DON"T WANT TO FUCKING DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cry to myself every night so hard that I can't breathe, I don't know what's wrong I just need to go away, so that's why i'm going to go spend some nights with some of my friends, I'm not turning on my phone and I'm not telling anyone. I just want to die already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Death is very cold...

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 03:53:07 GMT

To pretend no one can find
The fallacies of morning rose
Forbidden fruit, hidden eyes
Curtises that I despise in me
Take a ride, take a shot now
Cause nobody loves me
Its true...Not like you do...

Covered by the blind belief
That fantasies of sinful screens
Bear the facts, assume the dye
End the vows no need to lie, enjoy
Take a ride, take a shot now
Cause nobody loves me,
It's true...
Not like you do...

Who oo am I, what and why
Cause all I have left is my memories of yesterday
Ohh these sour times
Cause nobody loves me,
It's true...
Not like you do...

After time the bitter taste
Of innocence decent or race
Scattered seeds, buried lives
Mysteries of our disguise revolve
Circumstance will decide ....

Cause nobody loves me
Its true...
Not like you...
Nobody loves.. me
Its true...
Not, like, you.. do

So I'm driving in my car, and i start crying cuz of this song...

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 03:54:49 GMT

We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did my words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say

I listen to her favorite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say loves a game of easy come and
easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here right now
If I could have let you know somehow

Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar remains

I know I could have saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

But now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife

That song is so true right now, I cried so hard I had to pull over. :-(

Life is gone as we know it...

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 02:27:17 GMT

Well like always I read cheryls journal and i keep thinking that her love for me wasn't as strong as it is for brian, I mean he seems cool and must be one hell of a guy. She said she has this feeling come over her when she kisses him. I have been depressed lately and last night i had so much fun. Me and tiff hung out and we went over her cousins house and i had so much fun. I didn't get home till 7 in the morning and yes i had to work at 9. I got home and sleep for about an hour then work up and boom i have been up ever since. I loved it, for once in a long time so far i was happy. I dont' know what else to say so i'm going to go. talk to you all later